Tuesday, November 13, 2012

To My Daddy

We Blacksheeps often believe...
-we don't deserve/want/need anyone or anything.
-We are the destroyed and wounded of breeds.
-break them before we get broken is our creed.
-pain,scars,tears and blood...
-Mental rivers that over flood.
-We hardly ever close our eyes...
-We are soldiers and amazing spies.
-Known to read a human from a single glance...
-Yet we are beautiful lovers and believe in romance.
~If you happen to bump into our life...
-Just always remember.. all we know is how to survive.

I see beyond my mirror..a very hardened, yet free soul...I SEE YOU...I AM YOU DADDY.

Angel of Mercy

I saw you in a dream..
An angel of mercy, or so it seemed.

Whispers of your once spoken love...
Tears and pain within my dove.

So I sway my arm and let her fly far...
I feel your touch as though i was only a scar.

"Save Me!", are the words I shout out loud...
Yet you seem as though unproud.

I cannot be any longer without your presence...
You are part of me, an essence.

My scar of "HATE" has now become my fate...
"HOLD ME", I cry, before its too late. 



I'm drowning in quik sand...
Would you lend a hand?

Or ask how I got there first...?
Then hold water to your mouth to quench your own thirst.

Wondering why I'm soo sad and dark...
Not seeing that it takes attention, nurturing to light this spark.

Selfish hearts are blind to anothers pain...
They are greedy and use only for self gain.

Suffered words written and spoken out loud...
Are never heard or seen, and covered by your cloud.

It will soon become silent and fade within her..
Sad to know that you will assume you tried to mend a blur.


To My Chastity

Dear Babygirl,
            I know that times can seem crazy, and you just wanna scream...
        But your beauty and light shine brighter than any star i've ever seen.
             You have a way that makes even the saddest person smile it all away...
         And can even make me feel like a child wanting to run and play.
              I have loved you since the first day I got to hold you in my arms...
          You have a smile that reveals all your adorable charms.


            I'm sorry that it feels as though I abandoned you to face it alone...
         I wish I could make it easier than you just wanting to be stone.
            I pray one day I'm strong enough to be the mommy I used to be...
         And show you how much you all do truly mean to me.
            So I pray you always remember my words within your heart and mind...
         Because you may not like your mommy, but she's one of a kind.
                                    I am you and you are me...
                          We just temporarily see things a little differently.
                                    I know I'm not perfect...
                           And you may hear I'm not worth it.
                                   Your angry at me for not trying harder...
          And theres people out there who say i'm only a voice, not a real mother.
                         Yes, I could fight fire with fire and then you'll see...
          But I refuse to put my children in the middle of hatred and stupidity.
                            I am and will always be here for you..
                          And I hope one day you want that too. 

                          ©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012    

Friday, October 26, 2012


I lay awake at night wondering why...
My tears are silent and my breath is but a sigh.
I'm tired and physically in pain...
I have nothing left and nothing to gain.
I am a target of never ending lies and twisted blame....
I cry in the shadows and question my shame. BY~©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012


My heart is paper thin...
bruised and beaten,hidden behind skin.
My eyes sting with endless pain..
Pressure and redness, praying for rain.
My soul is at a loss..
Dark and cold, searching the cross.
My lips are stained with lovers lies...
Smiles and laughter hide my cries. BY~ ©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012


I am
I am a book of hidden journeys I dare not speak...
A novel of fear and horror not soo bleak.
I am that creature you pity in the park...
A wounded human left in the dark.
I am a mother without her fame...
I am a person who takes your blame.
<If you do not know me>
PLEASE DO NOT COPY-all my poetry is copyrighted by law. Ty


There's a time when life stands still...or so you think.
that thirst for happiness just a drink.
fear of losing ones self in that darkened whole...
belief that it may over power even your soul.
hope is what keeps you alive....
Yet what if there is nothing left to strive?
Pain is your only thing left you possess....
It's like waiting for God's paperwork to just finally process. 



flowers in my mailbox

there was a flower as bright as the sun...
orange and yellow colors bloomed for fun...

there was this flower in the morning light...
purple colors that shined so bright..

my mailbox in which they laid....
different days like a morning parade...

flowers in my mailbox
how do you read a whisper....
or breath in a kiss...
longing to know true bliss.

flowers in my mailbox
how do you read his eyes..if they are closed..
or know a thought..if not spoke..

flowers in my mailbox is all i know...
and this is what he'll show
feel his heart..hear it beat
and flow to his dance so soft and sweet...

he is your lover, your friend..
no matter what, hold him till the end.


There are days when I have no idea what i want or what i'm doing and then there are days where I see everything clearly and the days fly by. I wish I had a time machine in order to fix things in my past, but then i think...i wouldn't be here.


My vision is blurry, my speech is fading..I'm becoming darker, i'm cold and even hating.I have begun to lose the light that once shined my path...I will eventually see no life needed to be hath.I cry out for
you in my slightest of dreams...Yet find no peace as I am a walking time bomb with no further means..Please open your eyes, your heart and find me hidden in the night...For I fear I have nothing left but you, who once held my burning light.


I am waiting for time to pass....Looking through this broken glass.
Praying I'm in a dream...Or maybe im just drowning in this ever flowing mental stream.
I have no tears within these eyes...I'm consumed by self hatred and lifes stream of lies.
I'm only a beautiful portrait of what others want to see...Yet darkness is what lies within me.



have you ever felt or seen true tears?that over flowing river that's not brought on by fears. the experience of being truly broken...the kind of hurt you rarely see and is never spoken.A pain so overwhelming you think you're gonna die...yet
all that seems to happen is the uncontrollable cry.And if you saw that tear and it wasn't your own...would you grasp it in your arms and say "you're not alone"?or would you shut your eyes turn around and assume it's just a phase...or even just another traumatic childhood hays.be aware that this tear is the power...it has been known to shut a life down in a day, minute or even an hour.ones emotion is never a game...and their feelings should never be put to shame.yet even though its written you will not follow through...so the person becomes empty and cannot turn to you.so I am leaving you with these words I pray you take the heart... you cannot judge someone you love by the emotional shield of make up they wear upon their face....or keep on ignoring and making them feel disgraced.because eventually it will become aware...yet it's too late... she is now drowning in her own despair. COPYRIGHTED FOR CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER ©

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


Love is like an unfinished book that someone started....
    yet left it for us to finish.
Nobody can explain love, it just blooms at the blink of a sunset.

Love can be a dangerous weapon..It can leave you broken hearted,
    or just wounded for life.

I would give my life, for one moment to feel the thing they call love.



         Nowhere to run, Nowhere to hide...
This pain that I feel hides deep down inside.

It looks for the love, it looks for the laughter...
          To live in the heart- Happily Ever After.

<The sun has to rise, the rose has to bloom...
I know that I'll be loved, someday very, very soon.


A love that destroys the burning desire to be loved.
    I really can't explain this unwanted feeling...
I thought that for just one brief moment, that I had found
    my love of life....

I wish that I could say that life will get better, but I can't.
     Love, I can say..is like a rose..the unforgettable
blooming experience. But with every rose, a petal must fall.

      Please don't hate me. I guess my only problem is...
I can't find someone to love my rose without letting a single petal fall.

                  IF I WERE YOURS
If I were yours, would you hold me tight?

If I were yours, would you wanna fight?

If I were yours, would you catch my fall?

If I were yours, would you care at all?


                   IF THIS WERE MY LOVE
If this were my love, would I hold it tight?

If this were my love, would I promise not to bite?

If this were my love, would I be in despair?

If this were my love, would I even care?



Friday, March 2, 2012

About my old poems.....

Well hello all. We've been away for quiet some time, and I do promise to give a full update on a later day, but I wanted to write out to you some of my old poems I found.

this one didn't really have a title, so I'm going to call it 

 "We Are"
I sit here waiting, wondering..
what will be said or what will be told.

In my eyes, in my mind I scream out...
"I'm sold!"

"Heal me lord, take my pain!"..
If love were a treatment I'd be sane.

The others scream out..."Meds or take me home!"
Yet in that "picture", we are alone...

Independence is what we need...
All it takes is one small healthy seed.
                                        CRYSTAL 12/14/10

       Misery & Love

I guess you could say that life is such a bore...
                        all the pain, and so much more.

Misery, Love how could it be..
         I think it's following me.

The pain is gone, but still in despair..
How could it be, I feel I am nowhere.

Misery, Love how could it be...
if only someone could love only me.
                                              written by Crystal Azocar  in 1996

Ok. Now I am leaving those at that, and I or one of us, will be back soon to finish typing them into my blog for you all to analyze yourself and I'd would greatly appreciate feed back. Thank you.