Friday, September 9, 2011


So I sit here wondering where life is going and how the hell I get through each day. I have recently -FINALLY been diagnosed with D.I.D/MPD , with severe PTSD, severe depression and Anxiety prone. Yay me right! Not! lol I have waited a little over 12 years, many medications, hospital visits and stays, and lots of counselors. Now finally I can start piecing my life together. I have been in a rehab/counseling facility for almost a year now and I have been closely monitored on my medication, I actually even wear a medic bracelet because I am prone to wonder and run without acknowledging I have for a few days. I am being referred to a very respected med doc for better evaluation and meds. I can honestly say thtThier names, so just in case they ever come out on here or to my readers are as follows- Crys (23) is our responsible one, the "home maker"-Sasha (25) is the lesbian/ feisty,party girl, with a bad temper and no sympathy for others-Elizabeth (15) has severe OCD, loves things clean all the time!!! and doesn't talk much-Candace (5) is our "child" she is weary of strangers, she is a phenomenal artist..but watch your walls! lol she loves orange juice (which I hate btw) Mike(34) is a cross dresser (not very good at it btw. lol) and loves to chit-chat..-"the old lady" (I'm not aware of her name yet) is soft spoken and only comes out every now and then to nurture my friends in need or whisper sweet thoughts in my ear.-Him (14) is a cutter, abuser.. both mentally and physically and has a connection with Candace that we cannot pin point yet. The floater is just a very deep, stern male voice that comes in and out, I can't really make out what he says, but it makes me feel comforting in a weird way, like a grandfather or uncle figure. The only alters that let me be aware of what they are doing is Crys at times and Candace, unless she is stressed. I try to foreshadow the others, but they are stronger mentally then I am right now. I do have many journals that we as a whole have agreed to keep when one is not around, so we don't lose days, but that is also still a effort we are working on.  It is very interesting to learn how they work, how they think, etc. Now it came to my attention that there was talk from our counselor that she wanted to try hypnosis...But that is a bad call simply because Crystal is not strong enough to see what we have seen, feel what we have felt. Our lives are too much for her right now, that is why we were born, to live/survive where she cannot. Whether that is mental or physical. Crystal wanted to take this hypnosis route, hoping it would just make her obsolete. She is having a real hard time transitioning with us all as a whole team. She does suffer night terrors, but comes mainly from our little one, Candace. Her life is our beginning, Candace lives in her own time frame (so to speak) everyday, she is abused and neglected. Her thoughts or as the counselor tells Crystal.. "memories", for Crystal it is too much at once, too surreal and eventually becomes an overload while Crystal tries to sleep. Sorry, that was Crys giving ya'll her 2 cents. lol told ya they come out when they feel like it, somedays are harder than others for me to keep them at bay, but I have to learn to except that this is who I am, who we are, and we are all living this life together. I don't sleep much at all, and it's not necessarily the others, but the constant traffic that runs through my mind. I feel more crazier some days then others because I know I'm not normal, whatever that word but I do miss days, months sometimes even a full year or so. But I do thank the girls, that through the years they have always takin pictures of my children, my life so I never lose out as much. Don't get me wrong though, it hurts alot that I see these photos and don't remember the day, event etc. That there are things that happened I don't recall, but my exhusband and my children do. Emergency room trips, anger issues, running away for days at a time. I a psychiatrist once told me/explained to me...I am a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I truly missed out on soo much of my babies growing up, that's why in my eyes, they are still babies because the experience is not there of them having growth spurts at times, etc. One day I pray I will be able to understand, or even see some of what the others have lived. My counselor says that the transition for us might not be to become 1 whole person because of such a harsh past, and thier individuality as the years past, but to help me better cope with what and whom has hurt us heart and soul so we can live for today instead of living in the past. Well I am going to go for now, but I ill try to be back more often. This has been a good help for today. Well until next time ya'll.
through this year, unlike others in the past, I have had only one suicide attempt and it wasn't actually me, but a "bad" alter we call "him",so far that I personally know of him, he likes to self-inflict, and strives off pain. I so far..well I've known of a few alters I have for sometime, but others have come out from hiding through this year. Altogether I have 7 alters and a "floater" I don't have much knowledge of yet.