Saturday, October 1, 2011

PSALMS 6 > a passage I have read/kept with me since I was young

O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,
Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.
Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak;
O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled.
My soul also is greatly troubled;
But You, O Lord -how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver me!
Oh, save me for Your mercies' sake!
For in death there is no
 remembrance of You;
In the grave who will give You thanks?

I am weary with my groaning;
All night I make my bed swim;
I drench my couch with my tears.
My eye wastes away because of grief;
It grows old because of all my enemies.

Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity;
For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.
The Lord has heard my supplication;
The Lord will receive my prayer.
Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly
Let them turn back  be ashamed suddenly.

There are soo many stories behind this....and to be honest they have all been soaked with tears upon a couch through out my lifetime. I started reading this verse when I was 10yrs old, it was shown and read to me by one of my  youth group teachers. She brought it to my attention to help me ward off some very intense dreams, visions I was having of Satan himself. I started getting these of what i remember was around 10. I pretty much was born and lived on a couch in some way or another, funny, but true. And I would always see this stern, dark red, smoky figure in the corner wall of where ever I was sleeping at the time. Well as months went by the figure became more and more identifiable to me. He was a well dressed, dark red skinned man who smoked these horrible smelling cigars. I could never place/ make out his facial features, but his eyes were.....well hard to even describe in words, but I can say they made me feel empty and horrid, but yet respectable. He would talk, but I never really heard.....but some how I understood. I had a great fear of this man for 2 yrs and so I started becoming very in tuned with GOD and his word on a daily basis. And then one night I confronted this evil with one very strong, intense prayer I did out loud, in his presence, without fear. I haven't seen him since, that I can recall. But my life since then has become more and more twisted and tested to the max. I feel like JOB from the bible. And I am mentally breaking, because this test of faith is not material, family, etc. but spiritually deep within myself...heart and soul. I'm at constant war within/with myself. And I feel as years , months go by....I'm losing, my strength is weakening. I'm becoming tired and weary. I was once told by a wonderful man that I am a fallen angel with a mission on this earth, that until fulfilled I am not allowed to leave. And though I may not feel or see it as such, there is a BIG reason why I had/have the life I have/had.  Whether it is to teach/mentor others that are walking that road I was on, or to be the light for those who cannot see. Well.... I will accept that analogy. Because as far fetched as it may sound, it's the ONLY reason I can think... of why I was born.

Friday, September 9, 2011


So I sit here wondering where life is going and how the hell I get through each day. I have recently -FINALLY been diagnosed with D.I.D/MPD , with severe PTSD, severe depression and Anxiety prone. Yay me right! Not! lol I have waited a little over 12 years, many medications, hospital visits and stays, and lots of counselors. Now finally I can start piecing my life together. I have been in a rehab/counseling facility for almost a year now and I have been closely monitored on my medication, I actually even wear a medic bracelet because I am prone to wonder and run without acknowledging I have for a few days. I am being referred to a very respected med doc for better evaluation and meds. I can honestly say thtThier names, so just in case they ever come out on here or to my readers are as follows- Crys (23) is our responsible one, the "home maker"-Sasha (25) is the lesbian/ feisty,party girl, with a bad temper and no sympathy for others-Elizabeth (15) has severe OCD, loves things clean all the time!!! and doesn't talk much-Candace (5) is our "child" she is weary of strangers, she is a phenomenal artist..but watch your walls! lol she loves orange juice (which I hate btw) Mike(34) is a cross dresser (not very good at it btw. lol) and loves to chit-chat..-"the old lady" (I'm not aware of her name yet) is soft spoken and only comes out every now and then to nurture my friends in need or whisper sweet thoughts in my ear.-Him (14) is a cutter, abuser.. both mentally and physically and has a connection with Candace that we cannot pin point yet. The floater is just a very deep, stern male voice that comes in and out, I can't really make out what he says, but it makes me feel comforting in a weird way, like a grandfather or uncle figure. The only alters that let me be aware of what they are doing is Crys at times and Candace, unless she is stressed. I try to foreshadow the others, but they are stronger mentally then I am right now. I do have many journals that we as a whole have agreed to keep when one is not around, so we don't lose days, but that is also still a effort we are working on.  It is very interesting to learn how they work, how they think, etc. Now it came to my attention that there was talk from our counselor that she wanted to try hypnosis...But that is a bad call simply because Crystal is not strong enough to see what we have seen, feel what we have felt. Our lives are too much for her right now, that is why we were born, to live/survive where she cannot. Whether that is mental or physical. Crystal wanted to take this hypnosis route, hoping it would just make her obsolete. She is having a real hard time transitioning with us all as a whole team. She does suffer night terrors, but comes mainly from our little one, Candace. Her life is our beginning, Candace lives in her own time frame (so to speak) everyday, she is abused and neglected. Her thoughts or as the counselor tells Crystal.. "memories", for Crystal it is too much at once, too surreal and eventually becomes an overload while Crystal tries to sleep. Sorry, that was Crys giving ya'll her 2 cents. lol told ya they come out when they feel like it, somedays are harder than others for me to keep them at bay, but I have to learn to except that this is who I am, who we are, and we are all living this life together. I don't sleep much at all, and it's not necessarily the others, but the constant traffic that runs through my mind. I feel more crazier some days then others because I know I'm not normal, whatever that word but I do miss days, months sometimes even a full year or so. But I do thank the girls, that through the years they have always takin pictures of my children, my life so I never lose out as much. Don't get me wrong though, it hurts alot that I see these photos and don't remember the day, event etc. That there are things that happened I don't recall, but my exhusband and my children do. Emergency room trips, anger issues, running away for days at a time. I a psychiatrist once told me/explained to me...I am a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I truly missed out on soo much of my babies growing up, that's why in my eyes, they are still babies because the experience is not there of them having growth spurts at times, etc. One day I pray I will be able to understand, or even see some of what the others have lived. My counselor says that the transition for us might not be to become 1 whole person because of such a harsh past, and thier individuality as the years past, but to help me better cope with what and whom has hurt us heart and soul so we can live for today instead of living in the past. Well I am going to go for now, but I ill try to be back more often. This has been a good help for today. Well until next time ya'll.
through this year, unlike others in the past, I have had only one suicide attempt and it wasn't actually me, but a "bad" alter we call "him",so far that I personally know of him, he likes to self-inflict, and strives off pain. I so far..well I've known of a few alters I have for sometime, but others have come out from hiding through this year. Altogether I have 7 alters and a "floater" I don't have much knowledge of yet.

Sunday, April 17, 2011


you are the air that i breath, my walk in the sun.....
the passionate bond that cannot be undone...

you are my favorite dream when i am asleep...
the smile on my face that makes it hard to weep....
you are the twinkle in my eyes...
without you..there are dark skies...

i can feel your touch when I'm asleep....
i whisper have me... to keep....

i pray for your safe arrival home to me...
so i can give you the life we were meant to see......

Saturday, January 8, 2011

The days

so i sit here thinking of how my life has been leading me and i it leading me or am i just in the fog as the world turns around me. I'm in pain most days and its not really physical, but mental. I feel like i hurt soo many people on these paths i take..never slowing down or taking time to figure out who the hell i am. I want to breath but i feel as though I'm suffocating. I keep reaching for that hand everyone talks about, but to be honest, i don't see it. I live in a dark cloud most people don't see because i am soo good at  pretending to be happy when I'm around others, even on my worst day. I wake up hating that i did. I try and sleep and my dreams are feel with soo much pain, that sleep now is just a thought. A wish i pray for everyday. I feel bad when i hurt people without realizing it, or drive them away because i mentally over re-act and speak it without letting it sink in first. I am a mess and i just want to be better, fun, loving..great to be around..but mentally i can't be that for very long and i hate myself for it. "Enjoy the day and never worry about tomorrow" people have said, well I do worry..but not about the day, about me being able to cope as a human being day by day.....