Thursday, February 28, 2013
Hello world, it's been awhile. So today I'm starting to feel myself let go. I'm having that familiar itch to end it. I know it won't happen, but just feeling it in my heart, my gut. It's hard to think of the "what if", ya know. I know it sounds lame or maybe even a cop-out, a cry for help. But truthfully, it's none of the above. I'm just tired of being alone in this dark place and every time i seem to reach out of it, I'm pulled back in, like it's just where I belong. I'm not suppose to fight it. Letting go just seems to be looking a little more clearer then it once did. Ya know. I'm at a cross road on what to do, where to turn or if i should at all? don't get me wrong, I love my children and would do anything for them and it seems as though this decision i make is what they need, deserve, maybe even want. And they have that right to feel as such. I am alone. I lose everything I love, I'm repeatedly blamed that it's my fault for losing in the first place. And sometimes it is, because I see that person doing better in his or her life without me in it. So I'll run, or destroy what once was amazing or beautiful to get them to hate me, despise me, hopefully even forget me. And eventually they do.