The days

so i sit here thinking of how my life has been leading me and i wonder..is it leading me or am i just in the fog as the world turns around me. I'm in pain most days and its not really physical, but mental. I feel like i hurt soo many people on these paths i take..never slowing down or taking time to figure out who the hell i am. I want to breath but i feel as though I'm suffocating. I keep reaching for that hand everyone talks about, but to be honest, i don't see it. I live in a dark cloud most people don't see because i am soo good at  pretending to be happy when I'm around others, even on my worst day. I wake up hating that i did. I try and sleep and my dreams are feel with soo much pain, that sleep now is just a thought. A wish i pray for everyday. I feel bad when i hurt people without realizing it, or drive them away because i mentally over re-act and speak it without letting it sink in first. I am a mess and i just want to be better, fun, loving..great to be around..but mentally i can't be that for very long and i hate myself for it. "Enjoy the day and never worry about tomorrow" people have said, well I do worry..but not about the day, about me being able to cope as a human being day by day.....