Thursday, September 30, 2010

Today 09/30/2010

So today is one of those days where your trying to figure everything in life out..really? lol It's as though a big joke right?, "trying to figure life out" theres just no way. It gets more difficult and more frustrating the more we think about it, the more we annalyze details. I was once told that I think too much, well maybe so, but it's only cause it's more like a defense. I try and annalyze why my life or others, is the way it is, ya know. I cry, get angry and hate myself often, and then get to where i'm laughing cause it all made no sense. lol It's life. The big things that frustrate us and the little things that can litterly make us cry. So, ok. I've seen hate in all different forms, some is self and yet other times is in someones eyes. My question is, how can someone say they love you, yet in thier eyes is a bigger story? You can feel love by just a touch, yet see hate by one glance. Love is in a warm smile or the giggle in ones laughter, yet hate is in ones voice or the way they can just exclude you like your not even in the same room. And if this is all true, then why is love soo dam hard to grasp and hate floats upon us like smog in the night air? I know people say i see things way different then most, but truly, sometimes I really wish I didn't. Because it hurts, it's a knife I can't pull out or a finger on a trigger I just want to tighten. I breath in smog daily, yet would die for the smell of sweetness. A kind word to make my day, a gesture I didn't have to ask for. A hug unannounced. Oh well, that's life right/ Or mine anyway. Till next time ya'll.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Me today

So theres a time in your life when you think everything is awful, bad as its gonna get and then out of nowhere it gets ten times worse. How do you fix it or make it better is your first it really all me? Inside my head playing a drama game your not winning or you just arent getting the rules right? Well im not sure anymore..ive played this part soo many times you would think i would have perfected it by now. Yet im still losing-recieving nothing but heartache and sadness as my reward...or is it a reward? Or just a cruel game i keep trying to win or fix, that if i just changed the rules, made up my own as i went along. I could perfect it..make it my gain instead of my grief. I keep asking myself if i deserve this type of punishment in life...being influenced/seduced by love/infatuation...thinking im finally saved/adored..then i find i was wrong..i messed it up yet again...didnt play the game right..(by others rules). I keep believing i can save to be saved...but im wrong-no one can save me. And if it is me, then why do i still let myself walk this earth? If i am soo messed up in (others eyes...should i just give up? Throw down my cards, take my last breath and let others smile upon my grave...for the game will be more worry or anger of the mental stages of crystal renea. Ive been told all my life how its always my fault, or i saw it the wrong way. It didnt happen the way i think it did. My pain, grief, heartache and suffering, my bruises upon my face or deeper. The words that could scar even the strongest of souls. The fight of love/survival from even the closest of family. Or the fight to be strong, live strong, prove i can do it. Fight the big fight. Be Goliath. But in reality i am JOB in the bible. And the stupid part of it all is that i just want to be loved and wanted. And ive spent a lifetime searching....