Me today

So theres a time in your life when you think everything is awful, bad as its gonna get and then out of nowhere it gets ten times worse. How do you fix it or make it better is your first thought..is it really all me? Inside my head playing a drama game your not winning or you just arent getting the rules right? Well im not sure anymore..ive played this part soo many times you would think i would have perfected it by now. Yet im still losing-recieving nothing but heartache and sadness as my reward...or is it a reward? Or just a cruel game i keep trying to win or fix, that if i just changed the rules, made up my own as i went along. I could perfect it..make it my gain instead of my grief. I keep asking myself if i deserve this type of punishment in life...being influenced/seduced by love/infatuation...thinking im finally saved/adored..then i find i was wrong..i messed it up yet again...didnt play the game right..(by others rules). I keep believing i can save to be saved...but im wrong-no one can save me. And if it is me, then why do i still let myself walk this earth? If i am soo messed up in (others eyes...should i just give up? Throw down my cards, take my last breath and let others smile upon my grave...for the game will be finished...no more worry or anger of the mental stages of crystal renea. Ive been told all my life how its always my fault, or i saw it the wrong way. It didnt happen the way i think it did. My pain, grief, heartache and suffering, my bruises upon my face or deeper. The words that could scar even the strongest of souls. The fight of love/survival from even the closest of family. Or the fight to be strong, live strong, prove i can do it. Fight the big fight. Be Goliath. But in reality i am JOB in the bible. And the stupid part of it all is that i just want to be loved and wanted. And ive spent a lifetime searching....