TO MY OLDEST DAUGHTER....

TRUE TEARS

have you ever felt or seen true tears?that over flowing river that's not brought on by fears. the experience of being truly broken...the kind of hurt you rarely see and is never spoken.A pain so overwhelming you think you're gonna die...yet
all that seems to happen is the uncontrollable cry.And if you saw that tear and it wasn't your own...would you grasp it in your arms and say "you're not alone"?or would you shut your eyes turn around and assume it's just a phase...or even just another traumatic childhood hays.be aware that this tear is the power...it has been known to shut a life down in a day, minute or even an hour.ones emotion is never a game...and their feelings should never be put to shame.yet even though its written you will not follow through...so the person becomes empty and cannot turn to you.so I am leaving you with these words I pray you take the heart... you cannot judge someone you love by the emotional shield of make up they wear upon their face....or keep on ignoring and making them feel disgraced.because eventually it will become aware...yet it's too late... she is now drowning in her own despair. COPYRIGHTED FOR CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER ©

Random recent photos

A LOVE THAT'S LOST

Love is like an unfinished book that someone started....
    yet left it for us to finish.
Nobody can explain love, it just blooms at the blink of a sunset.

Love can be a dangerous weapon..It can leave you broken hearted,
    or just wounded for life.

I would give my life, for one moment to feel the thing they call love.

BY CRYSTAL BUSTAMANTE 1996


LOVE OF THE HEART

         Nowhere to run, Nowhere to hide...
This pain that I feel hides deep down inside.

It looks for the love, it looks for the laughter...
          To live in the heart- Happily Ever After.

<The sun has to rise, the rose has to bloom...
I know that I'll be loved, someday very, very soon.

BY CRYSTAL BUSTAMANTE 1996


       AN ANGRY HEART
A love that destroys the burning desire to be loved.
    I really can't explain this unwanted feeling...
I thought that for just one brief moment, that I had found
    my love of life....

I wish that I could say that life will get better, but I can't.
     Love, I can say..is like a rose..the unforgettable
blooming experience. But with every rose, a petal must fall.

      Please don't hate me. I guess my only problem is...
I can't find someone to love my rose without letting a single petal fall.
BY CRYSTAL BUSTAMANTE 1996


                  IF I WERE YOURS
If I were yours, would you hold me tight?

If I were yours, would you wanna fight?

If I were yours, would you catch my fall?

If I were yours, would you care at all?

BY CRYSTAL AZOCAR   2006


                   IF THIS WERE MY LOVE
If this were my love, would I hold it tight?

If this were my love, would I promise not to bite?

If this were my love, would I be in despair?

If this were my love, would I even care?

BY CRYSTAL AZOCAR 2006

 

About my old poems.....

Well hello all. We've been away for quiet some time, and I do promise to give a full update on a later day, but I wanted to write out to you some of my old poems I found.

this one didn't really have a title, so I'm going to call it 

 "We Are"

I sit here waiting, wondering..

what will be said or what will be told.

In my eyes, in my mind I scream out...

"I'm sold!"

"Heal me lord, take my pain!"..

If love were a treatment I'd be sane.

The others scream out..."Meds or take me home!"

Yet in that "picture", we are alone...

Independence is what we need...

All it takes is one small healthy seed.

                                        CRYSTAL 12/14/10

       Misery & Love

I guess you could say that life is such a bore...

                        all the pain, and so much more.

Misery, Love how could it be..

         I think it's following me.

The pain is gone, but still in despair..

How could it be, I feel I am nowhere.

Misery, Love how could it be...

if only someone could love only me.

                                              written by Crystal Azocar  in 1996

Ok. Now I am leaving those at that, and I or one of us, will be back soon to finish typing them into my blog for you all to analyze yourself and I'd would greatly appreciate feed back. Thank you.

   

PSALMS 6 > a passage I have read/kept with me since I was young

O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,

Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak;

O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled;

But You, O Lord -how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver me!

Oh, save me for Your mercies' sake!

For in death there is no

 remembrance of You;

In the grave who will give You thanks?

I am weary with my groaning;

All night I make my bed swim;

I drench my couch with my tears.

My eye wastes away because of grief;

It grows old because of all my enemies.

Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity;

For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my supplication;

The Lord will receive my prayer.

Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly

troubled;

Let them turn back  be ashamed suddenly.

There are soo many stories behind this....and to be honest they have all been soaked with tears upon a couch through out my lifetime. I started reading this verse when I was 10yrs old, it was shown and read to me by one of my  youth group teachers. She brought it to my attention to help me ward off some very intense dreams, visions I was having of Satan himself. I started getting these of what i remember was around 10. I pretty much was born and lived on a couch in some way or another, funny, but true. And I would always see this stern, dark red, smoky figure in the corner wall of where ever I was sleeping at the time. Well as months went by the figure became more and more identifiable to me. He was a well dressed, dark red skinned man who smoked these horrible smelling cigars. I could never place/ make out his facial features, but his eyes were.....well hard to even describe in words, but I can say they made me feel empty and horrid, but yet respectable. He would talk, but I never really heard.....but some how I understood. I had a great fear of this man for 2 yrs and so I started becoming very in tuned with GOD and his word on a daily basis. And then one night I confronted this evil with one very strong, intense prayer I did out loud, in his presence, without fear. I haven't seen him since, that I can recall. But my life since then has become more and more twisted and tested to the max. I feel like JOB from the bible. And I am mentally breaking, because this test of faith is not material, family, etc. but spiritually deep within myself...heart and soul. I'm at constant war within/with myself. And I feel as years , months go by....I'm losing, my strength is weakening. I'm becoming tired and weary. I was once told by a wonderful man that I am a fallen angel with a mission on this earth, that until fulfilled I am not allowed to leave. And though I may not feel or see it as such, there is a BIG reason why I had/have the life I have/had.  Whether it is to teach/mentor others that are walking that road I was on, or to be the light for those who cannot see. Well.... I will accept that analogy. Because as far fetched as it may sound, it's the ONLY reason I can think... of why I was born.

Life

So I sit here wondering where life is going and how the hell I get through each day. I have recently -FINALLY been diagnosed with D.I.D/MPD , with severe PTSD, severe depression and Anxiety prone. Yay me right! Not! lol I have waited a little over 12 years, many medications, hospital visits and stays, and lots of counselors. Now finally I can start piecing my life together. I have been in a rehab/counseling facility for almost a year now and I have been closely monitored on my medication, I actually even wear a medic bracelet because I am prone to wonder and run without acknowledging I have for a few days. I am being referred to a very respected med doc for better evaluation and meds. I can honestly say thtThier names, so just in case they ever come out on here or to my readers are as follows- Crys (23) is our responsible one, the "home maker"-Sasha (25) is the lesbian/ feisty,party girl, with a bad temper and no sympathy for others-Elizabeth (15) has severe OCD, loves things clean all the time!!! and doesn't talk much-Candace (5) is our "child" she is weary of strangers, she is a phenomenal artist..but watch your walls! lol she loves orange juice (which I hate btw) Mike(34) is a cross dresser (not very good at it btw. lol) and loves to chit-chat..-"the old lady" (I'm not aware of her name yet) is soft spoken and only comes out every now and then to nurture my friends in need or whisper sweet thoughts in my ear.-Him (14) is a cutter, abuser.. both mentally and physically and has a connection with Candace that we cannot pin point yet. The floater is just a very deep, stern male voice that comes in and out, I can't really make out what he says, but it makes me feel comforting in a weird way, like a grandfather or uncle figure. The only alters that let me be aware of what they are doing is Crys at times and Candace, unless she is stressed. I try to foreshadow the others, but they are stronger mentally then I am right now. I do have many journals that we as a whole have agreed to keep when one is not around, so we don't lose days, but that is also still a effort we are working on.  It is very interesting to learn how they work, how they think, etc. Now it came to my attention that there was talk from our counselor that she wanted to try hypnosis...But that is a bad call simply because Crystal is not strong enough to see what we have seen, feel what we have felt. Our lives are too much for her right now, that is why we were born, to live/survive where she cannot. Whether that is mental or physical. Crystal wanted to take this hypnosis route, hoping it would just make her obsolete. She is having a real hard time transitioning with us all as a whole team. She does suffer night terrors, but comes mainly from our little one, Candace. Her life is our beginning, Candace lives in her own time frame (so to speak) everyday, she is abused and neglected. Her thoughts or as the counselor tells Crystal.. "memories", for Crystal it is too much at once, too surreal and eventually becomes an overload while Crystal tries to sleep. Sorry, that was Crys giving ya'll her 2 cents. lol told ya they come out when they feel like it, somedays are harder than others for me to keep them at bay, but I have to learn to except that this is who I am, who we are, and we are all living this life together. I don't sleep much at all, and it's not necessarily the others, but the constant traffic that runs through my mind. I feel more crazier some days then others because I know I'm not normal, whatever that word means...lol but I do miss days, months sometimes even a full year or so. But I do thank the girls, that through the years they have always takin pictures of my children, my life so I never lose out as much. Don't get me wrong though, it hurts alot that I see these photos and don't remember the day, event etc. That there are things that happened I don't recall, but my exhusband and my children do. Emergency room trips, anger issues, running away for days at a time. I was..as a psychiatrist once told me/explained to me...I am a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I truly missed out on soo much of my babies growing up, that's why in my eyes, they are still babies because the experience is not there of them having growth spurts at times, etc. One day I pray I will be able to understand, or even see some of what the others have lived. My counselor says that the transition for us might not be to become 1 whole person because of such a harsh past, and thier individuality as the years past, but to help me better cope with what and whom has hurt us heart and soul so we can live for today instead of living in the past. Well I am going to go for now, but I ill try to be back more often. This has been a good help for today. Well until next time ya'll.
through this year, unlike others in the past, I have had only one suicide attempt and it wasn't actually me, but a "bad" alter we call "him",so far that I personally know of him, he likes to self-inflict, and strives off pain. I so far..well I've known of a few alters I have for sometime, but others have come out from hiding through this year. Altogether I have 7 alters and a "floater" I don't have much knowledge of yet.