Today 02/28/2013

Hello world, it's been awhile. So today I'm starting to feel myself let go. I'm having that familiar itch to end it. I know it won't happen, but just feeling it in my heart, my gut. It's hard to think of the "what if", ya know. I know it sounds lame or maybe even a cop-out, a cry for help. But truthfully, it's none of the above. I'm just tired of being alone in this dark place and every time i seem to reach out of it, I'm pulled back in, like it's just where I belong. I'm not suppose to fight it. Letting go just seems to be looking a little more clearer then it once did. Ya know. I'm at a cross road on what to do, where to turn or if i should at all? don't get me wrong, I love my children and would do anything for them and it seems as though this decision i make is what they need, deserve, maybe even want. And they have that right to feel as such. I am alone. I lose everything I love, I'm repeatedly blamed that it's my fault for losing in the first place. And sometimes it is, because I see that person doing better in his or her life without me in it. So I'll run, or destroy what once was amazing or beautiful to get them to hate me, despise me, hopefully even forget me. And eventually they do.

To My Daddy

We Blacksheeps often believe...
-we don't deserve/want/need anyone or anything.
-We are the destroyed and wounded of breeds.
-break them before we get broken is our creed.
-pain,scars,tears and blood...

-Mental rivers that over flood.
-We hardly ever close our eyes...
-We are soldiers and amazing spies.
-Known to read a human from a single glance...
-Yet we are beautiful lovers and believe in romance.
~If you happen to bump into our life...
-Just always remember.. all we know is how to survive.

I see beyond my mirror..a very hardened, yet free soul...I SEE YOU...I AM YOU DADDY.

 
©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

Angel of Mercy

I saw you in a dream..
An angel of mercy, or so it seemed.

Whispers of your once spoken love...
Tears and pain within my dove.

So I sway my arm and let her fly far...
I feel your touch as though i was only a scar.

"Save Me!", are the words I shout out loud...
Yet you seem as though unproud.

I cannot be any longer without your presence...
You are part of me, an essence.

My scar of "HATE" has now become my fate...
"HOLD ME", I cry, before its too late. 


©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

Thirst

I'm drowning in quik sand...
Would you lend a hand?

Or ask how I got there first...?
Then hold water to your mouth to quench your own thirst.

Wondering why I'm soo sad and dark...
Not seeing that it takes attention, nurturing to light this spark.

Selfish hearts are blind to anothers pain...
They are greedy and use only for self gain.

Suffered words written and spoken out loud...
Are never heard or seen, and covered by your cloud.

It will soon become silent and fade within her..
Sad to know that you will assume you tried to mend a blur.

©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

To My Chastity

Dear Babygirl,
            I know that times can seem crazy, and you just wanna scream...
        But your beauty and light shine brighter than any star i've ever seen.
             You have a way that makes even the saddest person smile it all away...
         And can even make me feel like a child wanting to run and play.
              I have loved you since the first day I got to hold you in my arms...
          You have a smile that reveals all your adorable charms.



----------


            I'm sorry that it feels as though I abandoned you to face it alone...
         I wish I could make it easier than you just wanting to be stone.
            I pray one day I'm strong enough to be the mommy I used to be...
         And show you how much you all do truly mean to me.
            So I pray you always remember my words within your heart and mind...
         Because you may not like your mommy, but she's one of a kind.
                                    I am you and you are me...
                          We just temporarily see things a little differently.
                                    I know I'm not perfect...
                           And you may hear I'm not worth it.
                                   Your angry at me for not trying harder...
          And theres people out there who say i'm only a voice, not a real mother.
                         Yes, I could fight fire with fire and then you'll see...
          But I refuse to put my children in the middle of hatred and stupidity.
                            I am and will always be here for you..
                          And I hope one day you want that too. 
             I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART CHASTITY RENEA  

                          ©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012    

AWAKE

I lay awake at night wondering why...
My tears are silent and my breath is but a sigh.
I'm tired and physically in pain...
I have nothing left and nothing to gain.
I am a target of never ending lies and twisted blame....
I cry in the shadows and question my shame. BY~©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

ME

Me
My heart is paper thin...
bruised and beaten,hidden behind skin.
My eyes sting with endless pain..
Pressure and redness, praying for rain.
My soul is at a loss..
Dark and cold, searching the cross.
My lips are stained with lovers lies...
Smiles and laughter hide my cries. BY~ ©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

I AM

I am
I am a book of hidden journeys I dare not speak...
A novel of fear and horror not soo bleak.
I am that creature you pity in the park...
A wounded human left in the dark.
I am a mother without her fame...
I am a person who takes your blame.
BY~©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012
<If you do not know me>
PLEASE DO NOT COPY-all my poetry is copyrighted by law. Ty

HUNGER

There's a time when life stands still...or so you think.
that thirst for happiness just a drink.
fear of losing ones self in that darkened whole...
belief that it may over power even your soul.
hope is what keeps you alive....
Yet what if there is nothing left to strive?
Pain is your only thing left you possess....
It's like waiting for God's paperwork to just finally process. 
 ©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER

FLOWERS IN M MAILBOX

flowers in my mailbox

there was a flower as bright as the sun...
orange and yellow colors bloomed for fun...

there was this flower in the morning light...
purple colors that shined so bright..

my mailbox in which they laid....
different days like a morning parade...

flowers in my mailbox
how do you read a whisper....
or breath in a kiss...
longing to know true bliss.

flowers in my mailbox
how do you read his eyes..if they are closed..
or know a thought..if not spoke..

flowers in my mailbox is all i know...
and this is what he'll show
feel his heart..hear it beat
and flow to his dance so soft and sweet...

he is your lover, your friend..
no matter what, hold him till the end.
©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER

Today

There are days when I have no idea what i want or what i'm doing and then there are days where I see everything clearly and the days fly by. I wish I had a time machine in order to fix things in my past, but then i think...i wouldn't be here.

FEAR

©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER
FEAR~
My vision is blurry, my speech is fading..I'm becoming darker, i'm cold and even hating.I have begun to lose the light that once shined my path...I will eventually see no life needed to be hath.I cry out for
you in my slightest of dreams...Yet find no peace as I am a walking time bomb with no further means..Please open your eyes, your heart and find me hidden in the night...For I fear I have nothing left but you, who once held my burning light.

DARK

©COPYRIGHTED FOR CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER-
THOSE WHO KNOW ME, KNOW...WHY THIS SONG.
I am waiting for time to pass....Looking through this broken glass.
Praying I'm in a dream...Or maybe im just drowning in this ever flowing mental stream.
I have no tears within these eyes...I'm consumed by self hatred and lifes stream of lies.
I'm only a beautiful portrait of what others want to see...Yet darkness is what lies within me.

TO MY OLDEST DAUGHTER....

TRUE TEARS

have you ever felt or seen true tears?that over flowing river that's not brought on by fears. the experience of being truly broken...the kind of hurt you rarely see and is never spoken.A pain so overwhelming you think you're gonna die...yet
all that seems to happen is the uncontrollable cry.And if you saw that tear and it wasn't your own...would you grasp it in your arms and say "you're not alone"?or would you shut your eyes turn around and assume it's just a phase...or even just another traumatic childhood hays.be aware that this tear is the power...it has been known to shut a life down in a day, minute or even an hour.ones emotion is never a game...and their feelings should never be put to shame.yet even though its written you will not follow through...so the person becomes empty and cannot turn to you.so I am leaving you with these words I pray you take the heart... you cannot judge someone you love by the emotional shield of make up they wear upon their face....or keep on ignoring and making them feel disgraced.because eventually it will become aware...yet it's too late... she is now drowning in her own despair. COPYRIGHTED FOR CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER ©

Random recent photos

A LOVE THAT'S LOST

Love is like an unfinished book that someone started....
    yet left it for us to finish.
Nobody can explain love, it just blooms at the blink of a sunset.

Love can be a dangerous weapon..It can leave you broken hearted,
    or just wounded for life.

I would give my life, for one moment to feel the thing they call love.

BY CRYSTAL BUSTAMANTE 1996


LOVE OF THE HEART

         Nowhere to run, Nowhere to hide...
This pain that I feel hides deep down inside.

It looks for the love, it looks for the laughter...
          To live in the heart- Happily Ever After.

<The sun has to rise, the rose has to bloom...
I know that I'll be loved, someday very, very soon.

BY CRYSTAL BUSTAMANTE 1996


       AN ANGRY HEART
A love that destroys the burning desire to be loved.
    I really can't explain this unwanted feeling...
I thought that for just one brief moment, that I had found
    my love of life....

I wish that I could say that life will get better, but I can't.
     Love, I can say..is like a rose..the unforgettable
blooming experience. But with every rose, a petal must fall.

      Please don't hate me. I guess my only problem is...
I can't find someone to love my rose without letting a single petal fall.
BY CRYSTAL BUSTAMANTE 1996


                  IF I WERE YOURS
If I were yours, would you hold me tight?

If I were yours, would you wanna fight?

If I were yours, would you catch my fall?

If I were yours, would you care at all?

BY CRYSTAL AZOCAR   2006


                   IF THIS WERE MY LOVE
If this were my love, would I hold it tight?

If this were my love, would I promise not to bite?

If this were my love, would I be in despair?

If this were my love, would I even care?

BY CRYSTAL AZOCAR 2006

 

About my old poems.....

Well hello all. We've been away for quiet some time, and I do promise to give a full update on a later day, but I wanted to write out to you some of my old poems I found.

this one didn't really have a title, so I'm going to call it 

 "We Are"

I sit here waiting, wondering..

what will be said or what will be told.

In my eyes, in my mind I scream out...

"I'm sold!"

"Heal me lord, take my pain!"..

If love were a treatment I'd be sane.

The others scream out..."Meds or take me home!"

Yet in that "picture", we are alone...

Independence is what we need...

All it takes is one small healthy seed.

                                        CRYSTAL 12/14/10

       Misery & Love

I guess you could say that life is such a bore...

                        all the pain, and so much more.

Misery, Love how could it be..

         I think it's following me.

The pain is gone, but still in despair..

How could it be, I feel I am nowhere.

Misery, Love how could it be...

if only someone could love only me.

                                              written by Crystal Azocar  in 1996

Ok. Now I am leaving those at that, and I or one of us, will be back soon to finish typing them into my blog for you all to analyze yourself and I'd would greatly appreciate feed back. Thank you.

   

PSALMS 6 > a passage I have read/kept with me since I was young

O LORD, do not rebuke me in Your anger,

Nor chasten me in Your hot displeasure.

Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am weak;

O Lord, heal me, for my bones are troubled.

My soul also is greatly troubled;

But You, O Lord -how long?

Return, O Lord, deliver me!

Oh, save me for Your mercies' sake!

For in death there is no

 remembrance of You;

In the grave who will give You thanks?

I am weary with my groaning;

All night I make my bed swim;

I drench my couch with my tears.

My eye wastes away because of grief;

It grows old because of all my enemies.

Depart from me, all you workers of iniquity;

For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.

The Lord has heard my supplication;

The Lord will receive my prayer.

Let all my enemies be ashamed and greatly

troubled;

Let them turn back  be ashamed suddenly.

There are soo many stories behind this....and to be honest they have all been soaked with tears upon a couch through out my lifetime. I started reading this verse when I was 10yrs old, it was shown and read to me by one of my  youth group teachers. She brought it to my attention to help me ward off some very intense dreams, visions I was having of Satan himself. I started getting these of what i remember was around 10. I pretty much was born and lived on a couch in some way or another, funny, but true. And I would always see this stern, dark red, smoky figure in the corner wall of where ever I was sleeping at the time. Well as months went by the figure became more and more identifiable to me. He was a well dressed, dark red skinned man who smoked these horrible smelling cigars. I could never place/ make out his facial features, but his eyes were.....well hard to even describe in words, but I can say they made me feel empty and horrid, but yet respectable. He would talk, but I never really heard.....but some how I understood. I had a great fear of this man for 2 yrs and so I started becoming very in tuned with GOD and his word on a daily basis. And then one night I confronted this evil with one very strong, intense prayer I did out loud, in his presence, without fear. I haven't seen him since, that I can recall. But my life since then has become more and more twisted and tested to the max. I feel like JOB from the bible. And I am mentally breaking, because this test of faith is not material, family, etc. but spiritually deep within myself...heart and soul. I'm at constant war within/with myself. And I feel as years , months go by....I'm losing, my strength is weakening. I'm becoming tired and weary. I was once told by a wonderful man that I am a fallen angel with a mission on this earth, that until fulfilled I am not allowed to leave. And though I may not feel or see it as such, there is a BIG reason why I had/have the life I have/had.  Whether it is to teach/mentor others that are walking that road I was on, or to be the light for those who cannot see. Well.... I will accept that analogy. Because as far fetched as it may sound, it's the ONLY reason I can think... of why I was born.