Today 02/28/2013

Hello world, it's been awhile. So today I'm starting to feel myself let go. I'm having that familiar itch to end it. I know it won't happen, but just feeling it in my heart, my gut. It's hard to think of the "what if", ya know. I know it sounds lame or maybe even a cop-out, a cry for help. But truthfully, it's none of the above. I'm just tired of being alone in this dark place and every time i seem to reach out of it, I'm pulled back in, like it's just where I belong. I'm not suppose to fight it. Letting go just seems to be looking a little more clearer then it once did. Ya know. I'm at a cross road on what to do, where to turn or if i should at all? don't get me wrong, I love my children and would do anything for them and it seems as though this decision i make is what they need, deserve, maybe even want. And they have that right to feel as such. I am alone. I lose everything I love, I'm repeatedly blamed that it's my fault for losing in the first place. And sometimes it is, because I see that person doing better in his or her life without me in it. So I'll run, or destroy what once was amazing or beautiful to get them to hate me, despise me, hopefully even forget me. And eventually they do.

To My Daddy

We Blacksheeps often believe...
-we don't deserve/want/need anyone or anything.
-We are the destroyed and wounded of breeds.
-break them before we get broken is our creed.
-pain,scars,tears and blood...

-Mental rivers that over flood.
-We hardly ever close our eyes...
-We are soldiers and amazing spies.
-Known to read a human from a single glance...
-Yet we are beautiful lovers and believe in romance.
~If you happen to bump into our life...
-Just always remember.. all we know is how to survive.

I see beyond my mirror..a very hardened, yet free soul...I SEE YOU...I AM YOU DADDY.

 
©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

Angel of Mercy

I saw you in a dream..
An angel of mercy, or so it seemed.

Whispers of your once spoken love...
Tears and pain within my dove.

So I sway my arm and let her fly far...
I feel your touch as though i was only a scar.

"Save Me!", are the words I shout out loud...
Yet you seem as though unproud.

I cannot be any longer without your presence...
You are part of me, an essence.

My scar of "HATE" has now become my fate...
"HOLD ME", I cry, before its too late. 


©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

Thirst

I'm drowning in quik sand...
Would you lend a hand?

Or ask how I got there first...?
Then hold water to your mouth to quench your own thirst.

Wondering why I'm soo sad and dark...
Not seeing that it takes attention, nurturing to light this spark.

Selfish hearts are blind to anothers pain...
They are greedy and use only for self gain.

Suffered words written and spoken out loud...
Are never heard or seen, and covered by your cloud.

It will soon become silent and fade within her..
Sad to know that you will assume you tried to mend a blur.

©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

To My Chastity

Dear Babygirl,
            I know that times can seem crazy, and you just wanna scream...
        But your beauty and light shine brighter than any star i've ever seen.
             You have a way that makes even the saddest person smile it all away...
         And can even make me feel like a child wanting to run and play.
              I have loved you since the first day I got to hold you in my arms...
          You have a smile that reveals all your adorable charms.



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            I'm sorry that it feels as though I abandoned you to face it alone...
         I wish I could make it easier than you just wanting to be stone.
            I pray one day I'm strong enough to be the mommy I used to be...
         And show you how much you all do truly mean to me.
            So I pray you always remember my words within your heart and mind...
         Because you may not like your mommy, but she's one of a kind.
                                    I am you and you are me...
                          We just temporarily see things a little differently.
                                    I know I'm not perfect...
                           And you may hear I'm not worth it.
                                   Your angry at me for not trying harder...
          And theres people out there who say i'm only a voice, not a real mother.
                         Yes, I could fight fire with fire and then you'll see...
          But I refuse to put my children in the middle of hatred and stupidity.
                            I am and will always be here for you..
                          And I hope one day you want that too. 
             I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART CHASTITY RENEA  

                          ©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012    

AWAKE

I lay awake at night wondering why...
My tears are silent and my breath is but a sigh.
I'm tired and physically in pain...
I have nothing left and nothing to gain.
I am a target of never ending lies and twisted blame....
I cry in the shadows and question my shame. BY~©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012

ME

Me
My heart is paper thin...
bruised and beaten,hidden behind skin.
My eyes sting with endless pain..
Pressure and redness, praying for rain.
My soul is at a loss..
Dark and cold, searching the cross.
My lips are stained with lovers lies...
Smiles and laughter hide my cries. BY~ ©COPYRIGHTED CRYSTAL STUDEBAKER 2012